My Life Story, I guess

 I found myself reflecting. And realised that I'm not gonna sleep unless I go through this. So I may as well write it down. Maybe some can relate, or it'll encourage you to keep going, or maybe just give some perspective. Idk... I just need to say it somewhere. Unplanned, unedited, just gonna go.

This is me, not Faris the Vtuber. Just Faris, Hell raven, Adam numbers, whatever.

Im gonna start when I changed schools as a kid. It wasn't the beginning of the problems. They'd apparently been going on well before then, but it's where my most concrete memories start. Where I can start finding a pattern.

 I had to change schools cause we'd moved back to our old home after quite some time, and I think urban sprawl hit hard enough that we couldn't realiably make the trip to school each morning without massive delays. So, swapped to a closer school.

It wasn't the worst switch at first, I think I handled it okay. But I'd always been a weirdo lone kid, so I guess I didn't have any amazing friends to lose.

 Didn't take long for things to go south though. I think it was in grade 4, I started getting regularly bullied. It'd happened before, but this time it... Didn't stop. I was bullied for being a nerd, a weird kid who didn't like sports and just wanted to play video games. Constantly mocked for it, I would spend most lunches on my own playing DS. The teachers never helped. Every time, I tried asking them, but it never ended.

Not that it would've mattered, it wasn't just the bullies that alienated me. I was disconnected from pretty much everyone. We'd talk about music, I got the weird look for liking a song from a game. (One winged angel, for the record) I talk about enjoying Wii games, instant mockery for liking kiddy stuff.

At the same time, the schoolwork was getting horrible. I know now it's some pretty severe undiagnosed autism. But I struggled to complete any projects or schoolwork outside of Math. (Yeah, literally that obvious and still nobody even considered it. My parents can corroborate that) Plus the homework would drive me insane, unable to schedule anything. 

This meant going to school became... Pain. I had no friends, in fact was actively attacked and bullied. I couldn't handle most of the schoolwork so was constantly feeling lost and behind, and nobody seemed capable of helping me.

So I.... Stayed home. A lot, actually. I realised I could just refuse. What could they do. Kick me out of the car? I'd walk home. I just... Didn't want to be there. There was nothing for me there.

Around this time, I got my own laptop, and with it an internet connection. That's when I started finding... A lot.

I found out about games coming out, without the commercials telling me to..I found emulators and flash games galore, well beyond the 15 minutes on a school computer. I found YouTube, and through it Let's Plays. People who didn't just like some video games, they absolutely loved them. And introduced me to games I had never even imagined could exist before. I found Cauchemar and the LetsPlayForum (which I did get banned from like the stupid child I was, learning experience that one)

I found SuperLPBros, I made friends, several of which I still have contact with today. I found Helloween4545 who I have to thank for my taste in weird games, between Drakengard, FEAR, American McGee's Alice, Penumbra and Dark Souls. 

I saw people start careers on YouTube, change the face of the platform and grow to insane degrees. Some came, some went, some I still follow, some I cried when I couldn't anymore.

Meanwhile. The rest of my life is falling apart. Every day is a reminder that I'm a failure. That I'm "not able to do the thing every human does, and just go to school."

I see counseller after counseller, psych after psych, get told I'll have to be taken to a psych ward if I keep refusing school and that it's "so easy to just go, what's the problem?!?!"

I kept not going, into high school. I was breaking down, but nobody was able to help. They tried trick after trick, attitude shifts, mental techniques, timing changes, school changes.

What nobody seemed to care about was why, when faced with the prospect of going to school, I was turned into a terrified mess of a child. No, they just needed me to go.

Eventually they swapped me to Distance Education, basically home schooling. Didn't make a damn difference. The work was as horrible as ever and completely unsuited for me. Still, appointment after appointment, and nobody could do anything besides ask "But what's so scary about it."

I was a child, how the hell was I supposed to know I had undiagnosed mental issues.

Im glossing over it, but, it needs to be said. And TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS PARAGRAPH. But I was suicidal from the age of 13 to like, 22. I didn't want to live. Why the hell would I? I was a failure who couldn't even do the most basic things to function in society. What worth was I to anyone.

Well... I guess I did have worth though. I had friends, tons. I couldn't see them, they were across oceans. But I knew them, I'd chat with them daily. They liked games too, they cared and would probably be horrified if I stopped logging in all of a sudden.

It... Didn't stop everything. But holy shit, I would not be here if not for my online friends over the years.

Eventually, it all just... Stopped. I hit 16, 18. I didn't have to do school anymore. Doesn't matter if I didn't even finish year 9. Maybe I'll do better elsewhere, doing short courses, maybe studying a passion for IT in uni somehow.

 I was half right.

Yeah note I said 22 above. Turns out if you can't handle the day to day of school, then higher education or a workplace aren't gonna be any kinder.

So I continued on, feeling like a failure... Until at some point, I genuinely don't remember when. I read a description for Anxiety.

Holy shit it was a game changer. Even at the time, I was stunned nobody had thought to diagnose me with it

That lead down an eventually significantly more positive line. For all it's issues, it got me settled on two things after another 5 years of mixed suffering and strife.

One, I got on meds that mean I don't want to die.

And two, the realisation that I am in fact, disabled, and probably should've been recognised as such as a child. But I guess being really good at standardized tests got me passed over. Or some bullshit like that.

As for the online stuff, it continued, I saw the rise of twitch, discord, drama and god knows what else.

But I didn't really have a place. I liked games but didn't really have the confidence to create content. I just... Played them. Watched some speedruns, made friends. Tried to forget life.... 

And then I saw Mystery Tournament on GDQ.

They played Kororinpa, talking about how the competitors just had to react on the fly.

But... I mean I grew up playing Kororinpa, plenty of weird cheap games like it... They don't practice, they're just playing games for the first time? Fuck, that's basically all I do. But, well I'm not in America so.... Oh, it's online, worldwide.... It's free to join?!?!

 Next thing I knew, I'm logging on to the discord and asking how to set up an SRL account. I'd say the rest is history, but... There's more to it than that.

 

When I was rewatching my matches from MTX, when I was rewatching Top 8 and New Super Hook Girl... People were.... Enjoying it. They enjoyed watching me play, watching me be this skilled at something I've never played before. They congratulated me on my win.

 Funny thing, when you're writing down a life story. It's hard to realise what was *missing* from it that was still important.

 As a kid... I was too good at games.

Thats not some weird meta comment. That's what my friends would say. Well, "friends." But still

 They didn't wanna play with me. I would beat them in anything versus, and go too fast playing cooperatively. It was something that I felt ashamed about. Nobody cared. Why would they.

Speedrunning came along, so did eSports. I thought I could make it there but... I couldn't dedicate myself to any one game for long enough to matter. I'd always fall off. Get bored, move on.

Mystery Tournament gave me a way to focus without getting drained. A way to push myself and actually compete in something. And that drive hasn't left me, win or lose, I'm streaming, I'm putting myself out there IRL, I'm learning to ride a damn motorcycle just to push myself further and further.

And the funniest thing is? I look at my parents, extended family, I think about the people around me....

They still don't care, about any of it.

So fuck em.

This is my life.

Its already a miracle I made it to 25.

Lets keep going and see what happens. 

Uuuh

If you want a moral....

Fuck capitalism and fuck societal norms I guess. 

Look I just needed to type this out somewhere.